You're Still The Same

The black label whiskey is warm and sitting in a small Heineken glass.
The incense purs out a smell I can not focus on.
Bog seger falls crystal clear out of my computer speakers, its tinny and crisp.
Outside its damp and cool, inside its hot and dry as the heating has been on all day.
I sat here all day.

We all get into our moods, I guess.
I have a harder and harder time figuring out how I got here.
Its all very clear the paths and steps. Always difficult to see what caused what though.
Like writing, each day is a blank page and we just fill it with a story.

I really pushed myself these last few years. And I am feeling horribly burnt out my friends. Horribly.
It should be that I have everything, things are groovy, but I feel I dunno.

Oh mentally I can get up and do what I have too and hey the future is so bright yah know I need shades, as the ole eighties song goes.
No.

Its feeling ahh. Yes that irrational hunk of humanity that makes me rant and whine right at this moment. I am at once devoid of emotional feelings that I somehow lost and at one with this sense of blandness that makes time fly. A week is a day. A day is an Hour. An hour is a minute to me.
It keeps flying by.

Will I die in a car accident. WIll I grow old, see kids live and not fulfill dreams.
See bombings or will my train crash.
Will I go on nice holidays or get sick or ill and watch friends and family struggle and die.

Will I get old, lose myself, become some whack job.
Bumbling obsessed out of it old man. Watching his life that he built up fall apart, rust slowly.
Will I die a lone.
Will I leave someone behind.

Whats at the end. I mean do you want to see death coming or is it better that WHAM, you go.

I tripped once. And things seemed unreal. All that was real was not.

I think sometimes that I feel utterly trapped now. I am married, I have my job. Its all just flying by now, like some coaster to the end.
I will not be a rock star, a musician.
I will not be a writer.
I will not be anything really.

You just sit around now, waiting for some crap to happen. Nothing good anymore. That sense of surprise or achivement is gone.

You just kind of struggle now to keep things clean, stop the corrosion, hold on to friends and family.

But you can not win this battle. I lost. And I wait.