Existentialism

And today I found existentialism. There is much reading to be done, but immediately it seems to be something I have been looking for or rather sensed. For years I have clung to rationalism, and gone mad, probably having very close to a nervous break down in November, that led to physical illness, and depression.
I constantly questioned how can one remain rational, yet survive in a world or irrationalists? Only to slowly get frustrated with what I perceived as irrational people or to look back my own irrational decisions. If I was not rational, then how can I get frustrated with others perceived irrationality?
The depression emerged from a sense of hopelessness, was I rational? If I am mainly rational, how to cope being outnumbered, hence my rants against teenage yobs, and politicans, or heads of institutions.
To further confuse matters, I struggle with atheism, and very clearly settle on the agnostic. As a precaution, I became very interested in hinduism, its philosophical aspects. Coupled with a few experimentations with mushrooms, rationality starts to fall apart. The rules of science, and conscientious begin to change. While modern physics may be coming close to explaining multiple dimensions, there is still a lot left in terms of big bang theory, what preceded it, why are things so stable, and if light has a particular speed, sound a different one, and quantum theory says that things are in a cloud, how is our minds construct a stable time and how is it we are all able to opearate in a stable time, yet we are all processing at different speeds?

This was my dilemna. Then my wife reccomended I looked up a French philosopher Sartre, and then remarkably I found that word that I often heard but never looked into, existentialism. With a brief through wikipedia it seems to address many of my problems. One that yes, we all know, especially myself through anthropology people do not act rational. We are emotional, we are human, we are not computers or robots. Which explains my own failures at being rational and frees me from an endless Ayn Randian struggle.

The most important point existentalists make, and this to me is the crux right now for me in thinking, is that they accept and acknowledge that we are thrown into this world, this world has a past, and why if things start with our own consciousness or some rational world created by a god or some harmony of natural forces, why then are we thrust in, only to be thrown out.
In science this is acceptable as they will often say its silly to questions why you exist and why the laws of physics are sound, because you are questioning something that is a stable system, you are a part of it, and the fact you are a part of it is the reason it is stable. In other words, you can not interpret other systems, they don't exist, you must live within the laws of this one.
But existenstialism asks if there is a god, where is he, and if there are these laws and this preexisting past, we can not escape it, so what the hell are we suppossed to do?

When you combine this sense of what am I doing here? Why should I live? And then look at what people do it fits in with what I have learned. After we get past our basic needs, survival, food, shelter, sex, what next?

To be a neantherthal or early hominid meant that one did not have to worry about being bored? There was no anxiety, there were real fears, real lions, real snakes, a broken leg often meant death, life was shorter, there was not much think time.

However, my existence some would say is a lucky one. All my needs are met, food, shelter, relative safety, so why am I so anxious? Why is memory not perfect, we only remember clumps, and why do colors, and life seem to change? People change, and why do we continue to move on?

I question everyday recently what the hell is the point? Having studied culture, seen irrational mankind, and experienced bad times, good times, health, sickness, good food, travel....to me....what is left? I could quite frankly think about the fact I am about to turn 30, I will only grow old, the environment will only get worse, man will never learn from its mistakes, evil does win most of the time, and being nice doesn't get you anywhere, but a trip down the vulgar routes in life will bite you as well. Its impossible to be culturally good, or bad, then what to do?

Experience then. Fun for funs sake, while not harming others, and to just ride it out....there however may be a point and this is where I must delve more into existentialism, perhaps while there may be no god per se, maybe there is a reason. I think we have always lived, always been, some us that is, and wouldn't that be weird?